Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*