*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.