Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
No one :
Me when I swimming :
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.