This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger