[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
this country is so goddamn polarized
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*