dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
You Might Also Like
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.