When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Oceanography is all about current events
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?