Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
do what now??
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!