Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?