*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.