Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.