I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
fired
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.