Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Breaking news:
What the hell is going on?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*