Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
estão todos miauvindo?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?