I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Hmm, not sure about this change
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.