No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
omg leave her alone
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.