I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash