Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.