Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Hell yeah 👍
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet