fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
In case you needed to hear it:
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.