Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now