My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Still a very good boi….
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring