teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Easy enough.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.