I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
me opening up to someone
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
<—- homeless romantic
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
it is time once again
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try