I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.