Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
oh shit