If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
You Might Also Like
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one