I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”