Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
concern
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on