I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem