(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*mops up wine with cat*
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
congratulations to them
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?