I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I have a new favorite meme page
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.