Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Dance like you’re not the father
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”