rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Seems a bit forward
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
In Canada they just call them geese
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that