Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.