At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no