The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Banking tips
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂