Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My five year plan is a meteorite
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Cake safety first. Always.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.