2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties