A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits