LMAO
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Strangers have the best candy.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!