I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah