me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
we all know this pain all too well
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit