dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”