If you had more money you’d be happier.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
💯😂
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
U talkin 2 me?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut