[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
We’re all getting idioter.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.