Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Wikigenius
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”