I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
the Monday after daylight savings
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??