I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
they should invent a type of situation that improves.