Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Sponch
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!